Tonight. Just one bottle. 

Because, yes, you’re coughing, and you have a headache. And sleeping it off is too sloth-like. Because staying in for someone not so well is too mainstream. Because you need one. Just one. For sanity.

My thumbs are jumping on the screen of my phone, yes, still with the cracks on the upper-right area while I am surrounded by people chatting. Dancing. Singing. I’m in some corner. Silently making sense of everything. Everything happening in life. Right now. With a bottle just a few centimeters away from me. Sigh. It doesn’t make sense.

I ask myself how I found myself in this same position. The same predicament. The same agony. The same place. After walking away. Who knows, really. Probably the Big Guy. Probably. But, I don’t know. It’s as if the Universe is mocking me somehow. Or not. Maybe, karma. And for the lack of anyone or anything to blame, I put the burden on karma. 

Dare I find some resolution… but, I doubt it. I doubt I will find it anytime soon. I doubt I will find it here. Worst, I fear I might not find it. But, the show must go on. Life has to go on. And so should I. So should I.

Halfway through this bottle. I see them looking at me. Their smirks. Their smiles. Their stares. My all black outfit. 

Where we are headed, I don’t know. Different directions, obviously. Some are staying still. A few, rather. A few. Not even a handful. Just a few. The most upsetting thing? We are all lost. Someway, somehow. Lost. Lost kids, we are.

And I hate being lost. I hate it. That’s why I’ll move. Where? Somewhere. Somewhere unfamiliar yet somewhere known. Comfortable but beyond the edges. 

I am ready. Again.

Have you ever brewed yourself a cup of coffee, and because of all the crazies in life you forget that you actually made coffee for yourself, then when you come back for it you think that it’s not too hot anymore so you confidently drink then you burn your tongue by accident and out of shock you drop the mug and you break it? No? Thought so.

Well, it’s something that has happened to me, and whenever that thought visits me, or when I visit that thought, I laugh at it. It’s always an interesting story to tell. Well, not really. It’s admittedly quite frustrating.

The idea that you burned your tongue and have left yourself incapable of being able to taste, and appreciate flavors. Breaking one of your favorite mugs, and you know fully well that you can’t just piece all the parts together. It’s not the same anymore!! Not to mention, the fact that you just wasted a cup of good brewed coffee.

But, this is where I breathe. Even for just a bit. This is the only half-breath I could take. I may not deserve it, but I’m taking it. I’m fucking taking this time to breathe.

“When you’re in between [jobs], you have to declutter. Organize your files, and throw away some items whether or not they were related to your previous company. You have to tidy up.”

That’s essentially what an aunt of mine told me last Friday—the day after my last day with my previous company. Now, I am not sure if she picked it up from Marie Kondo (and I am not claiming I have read her works to be familiar with her philosophies), but to a great extent, she made sense. A lot of it.

When a few friends of mine found out I was leaving, they told me to have a vacation. Have a retreat. Just get away from this city. And it was tempting, specially that I have a brother living in Singapore so I need not fret about burning cash when it comes to accommodations. My mother also even said that maybe we could go to her home province, and it makes sense I think. It has been more than decade since we’ve last been there, I believe. Continue reading “Declutter. Tidy Up. Detox.” →