Deliberate

For the longest time, I have convinced myself that I have been deliberately choosing to spend time alone–to live alone, for that matter. While I eavesdrop on friends reminiscing on the pranks they pulled off in High School, as I see group dates take place where I have often observed that there is always that one person who just finds everything awkward, and as I observe strangers meet for the first time, I find myself in some corner of a room, just watching everything unfold before me. All the excitement and all the drama, happening just a few steps before me. And while all of those make for good memories for the people I watch, I, on the other hand, continue to live my life on the sidelines of someone else’s life.

And I think, and I honestly believe, that this unwillingness to dive into, and commit to a sphere or a community of people allowing their lives to be tangent to that of the other members of the sphere or community, has driven me to be an outsider.

Perhaps it is not that I am deliberately choosing to spend time by myself, but rather, I’m forced to it. Maybe, just maybe, I have been accustomed to being in a solitary state that my comfort of traversing through life alone is just a front. Perhaps it is just me “positivizing” the image of an unfortunate state into something more noble. Because, honestly, the adventures of someone who purposefully walks through life alone makes for a much better story than someone who is shoved to be a supporting character even in his own epic.

And if you’re wondering if there’s any resolution to this, well, that is something I have to figure out for myself. All I know is that I will keep dancing on my own.

Deliberate

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