I’m Wide Awake

I only had a 3-hour sleep last night. According to my Jawbone, it was purely light sleep, which explains why I can’t exactly remember what I dreamt. I mean, know I had a dream, but I couldn’t recall the details. Nothing. Nonetheless, it was a 3-hour sleep. It was a much needed three hours of pure bliss. Three hours of not worrying about anything. Three hours of being in an alternate world. No problems. No worries. No anxieties at all. It was what I was needed. It was peace.

The calm feeling reminded of the time I did a “day” trip to Lourdes, back in 2011. (You could see a few photos HERE) It was a long travel from Rennes to that city. If I could recall it well, it was a good 9 hours with around 3 city transfers. THREE. I did it all alone, and despite the loneliness in those 18 hours travelling (9 hours to go to Lourdes, another 9 hours back to Rennes), it was pretty much calming.

Basilica of our Lady of the Rosary of Lourdes

I remember seeing the Basilica of Our Lady of the Rosary. It was beautiful. I was at awe how different the façade was compared to the other churches I saw during my semester in France. It was packed inside. It seemed small and cramped. The relatively low-ceiling, didn’t help, nor did the pews being situated so close to each other. But it was still breathtaking inside. The detailed paintings? Love. Before leaving, I said a prayer. It was a long one, I remembered.

I spent majority of my time by the grotto at Massabielle; the place where Saint Bernadette had her visions back in the mid-1800s. It was a serene place. It was, without a doubt, a sacred space. It was simple, and looked undisturbed, as if the place was just allowed to grow naturally. I hope they will leave it as is. I mean, I bet they would.

Lourdes_Grotto of Massabielle

People lit a lot of candles. As early as 9 in the morning, the holders were slowly getting filled with waxes, and hopes and wishes of people. I personally got 5 candles, and I assigned one prayer for each. To this date, only one has been answered, but I’m hopeful that the others would be granted soon.

Lourdes Candles

In fact, I have been praying harder everyday, even if sometimes I get upset because nothing good seems to happen. There are times when I question myself why I even pray…I have my own doubts. I have my own qualms. Questions, and even frustrations. But, no matter what, I still do. I continue to believe.

Today, I’m wide awake. I made a decision yesterday, and went for it head on. No, not with my eyes closed. I only do that when I purchase something expensive using a credit card. I was certain. I was sure. I was very much determined, and confident with the choice I made. For some, it might come off foolish, or rash. Honestly, it was something I have been contemplating on for a long time. Not just days, nor weeks. Months. Months.

I wanted to be safe and secure, before making that decision and just going all in. But, I was plateauing, and I was becoming unmotivated. I was starting to hate myself. Not so much for what I was turning into, but for allowing myself to have reached that point. It was then that I realized, I do not need to be as anxious. I should not be affected if I couldn’t get a complete control over my life.

“To learn to trust in Him wholeheartedly.” That was the prayer granted, and I am happy. I’m wide awake, and I am excited for what’s ahead.


I’m Wide Awake

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